Ways to Identify
and Deal with Bullying
“Hey
Shorty, did you shrink over the summer?” Kids can be really mean. When my (Becky)
youngest son returned to middle school in September for the start of seventh
grade, it seemed everyone grew…except him.
Bullying behavior
is beyond normal conflict; it is contempt and cruelty. It is more than teasing. It is repetitive and unwanted.
The idea
is to dehumanize and ostracize the targeted individual. Surprisingly, bullying can begin as early as age five, the age when
most youngsters begin kindergarten.
The
bully’s goal is usually to exert control or build him or herself up by putting
another down. When acting without
impunity, the aggression intensifies.
Bullying must not be
ignored.
There are typically four types of bullying: social, sexual, physical,
and cyber. Verbal, the most common characteristic of social bullying, includes
name-calling, teasing, spreading
rumors, and gossiping. Also actions such as intentionally leaving people out
and breaking up friendships are considered social bullying. Girls are
especially masterful in this realm.
Boys have the corner of the market on physical bullying but girls surprisingly
have an isle in the store, as well. This type of bullying usually begins in
elementary school, peaks in middle school, and thankfully declines in high
school.
The fourth category, cyber bullying, is the most insidious.
Younger and younger kids are being exposed to this form of ridicule.
Cyber-attacks are especially cruel because the perpetrator is often anonymous
and its effects are far reaching. The Internet, mobile phones, and other
digital technologies become powerful weapons in a cyber-meanie’s hands. This
form can be a catalyst for the other three kinds of bullying.
Here are six signs your child may
exhibit if he or she is a victim of bullying:
• Child is alone a lot.
• Child refuses to attend school,
school events.
• Child complains of excessive aches
and pains: head, stomach, etc.
• Child withdraws from friends,
family, and even siblings.
• Child exhibits uncharacteristic
outbursts.
• Child’s grades drop and interests
change.
Conversation can be an indicator
something is amiss.
Some
kids may test the waters by saying, “Brooke wasn’t very nice to me today,” or
“Tommy has to always be first.” Often kids give some information that cloaks
clues of potential bullying. Many will downplay an event. Almost 60% of kids never tell their parents about their pain because
it’s humiliating for a child to admit being a victim of his or her peers to a
parent.
If you
observe warnings or feel concerned due to a child’s comment, start a
conversation by using general topics with questions like:
• Are there bullies in your school?
• Who do the bullies usually pick
on?
• Have you ever seen it happen? What
did you do?
• How do those kids who bully others
treat you?
Listen,
be aware, and empathize. Let your child know you are on his team and will never
desert him. When talking about the circumstances, keep your own emotions in
check (This is really difficult). Reinforce that being bullied is not his
fault. Tell your child you’re glad he trusted you with this sensitive
information. Share a time you were picked on to remove the loneliness factor
and to normalize child’s situation and feelings. Avoid minimalizing the
situation.
This is a big deal.
When
attempting to solve this heart-breaking problem, respectfully ask if he wants
your help. Younger kids typically need more adult intervention. Older kids may
prefer to handle the issue themselves. If you have your tween’s permission,
call the school to learn the bullying procedures, find out the professional
with whom to speak, and seek assistance in determining the next and proper
course of action.
For the
boys and girls who choose to deal with this tough situation on their own,
empower them with a plan to “get their
power back.”
•
Practice exit lines to take the bully’s control away, “I’m not interested in
being teased today.” Then walk away.
•
Refrain from further abuse that could be motivated by the victim’s tears or
emotional outburst. These responses are just fodder for the bully’s hostility.
•
Plan an escape route.
•
Respond with humor. This disarms the bully.
•
Consider the source. Bullies have usually been bullied themselves.
•
Encourage or assist child to be his own advocate to go to an authority
figure.
•
Pray for the bully. (Not easy to do.)
It’s
possible the circumstances are too difficult to manage. Your child may need to
switch classrooms or schools. This feels unfair. The bully should be the one
removed but usually this is not what happens.
At home
totally remove, limit, or physically move technology to a common area until things
cool off. Avoid having your son or daughter alone in his or her bedroom,
obsessing over Facebook comments or Twitter tweets. Isolation combined with peer
ridicule has scary potential. Continue to pay close attention to your
child’s emotional, mental, and physical state. Keep in mind counseling may be
necessary.
Help
your child through this difficult time by encouraging a new hobby or
extra-curricular activity. Support your child in seeking and fostering fresh
relationships. Make home a safe-haven.
Most importantly, pray with and
for your child.
Share
with your child that even the saints in the Bible were bullied. Joseph was
bullied by his brothers and David by Saul. But
both victims rose up to be strong leaders. Remind your child God is the One
who says that he is: precious, valuable, and created for a purpose. Encourage
your child to rely on the Holy Spirit for the courage to persevere and tackle
the hard stuff in life (even in dealing with a bully).
If
you find your child is a victim of bullying, we are sorry for the pain you and
your young one are experiencing. We hope the identifiers and strategies
provided prove to be helpful. And know, with confidence, God is with you and
your child.
So
do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I
will strengthen you and help
you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Isaiah
41:10
Lori
Wildenberg & Becky Danielson
Lori
& Becky are licensed parent and family educators and cofounders of 1
Corinthians 13 Parenting. Their book, Raising Little Kids with Big Love has
just been released and their second book in the series, Raising Big Kids with
Supernatural Love is soon to be released. If this post was a blessing to
you, you can find more great faith-based and easily applicable tips and
information in their books which can be found on Amazon or BarnesandNoble.com.
Their newest book:
